Louise Palanker: questioning sexual orientation, relationship feelings | Homes and Lifestyle
Asked by Ashley
How do you know if a girl is bisexual or lesbian and how to ask her?
These can be very personal questions that shouldn’t be asked until you have established a strong and confident friendship. You can then talk about your orientation and see how it reacts to that information.
I guess you would like to date this person and would like to know if they are attracted to girls. Much like attraction to the opposite sex, it can be difficult to learn and know if it exists.
The best approach is to take it slowly and with respect, and look for indicators. Is there long and meaningful eye contact? Is she standing a little closer than necessary?
You can also try intimate, non-threatening contact. Grab her arm when she says something funny. Give him a compliment. Reach for his hand to show him something. See if you get the impression that there may be feelings between them. So tell her you like girls. If she seems to agree with this information but offers none of hers, you can ask her, “Do you like boys or girls or maybe both?” “
Take the conversation and the relationship from there.
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Question from Katie
I like this girl. We’ve been friends since high school, and that was about four years ago. At first she said she was straight, but now she says she is bi. I’ve always had a crush on her, so when I found out I was ecstatic.
I discovered through Tinder and when I saw that, I texted her. For about three to four days, we texted non-stop. She was telling me that she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship because she had just gotten out of a rough day, and so was I.
Anyway, this girl and I agreed that we would sleep together without feeling any feelings, so we slept together twice (I was her first sexual experience with a woman) and the last times i felt the moment and slipped and told her i loved her. Obviously, I didn’t want it to come out, but since I said it, I’ve tried to explain myself.
Obviously, it made her uncomfortable continuing to sleep together because it was supposed to be unrelated to any feelings. I told her I was just feeling the moment and honestly, I didn’t mean that. But I also explained to her that I had always had these feelings, and I told her that before we even got along, so I don’t know how to at least try to convince her to continue sleeping with me or to try to explain myself a little better.
I am literally over the type of energy she uses. If she wants to be friends with benefits, we can be friends with benefits. If she wants to be a couple, we can be a couple. I really don’t care, because whatever, as long as I see her I’m happy.
But I think I totally messed it up and I don’t know how to fix it. I understand that she is not ready for a relationship so I am not asking for one, but I want to be more than friends … more than just friends. I feel like it’s embarrassing to flirt or be romantic.
I really don’t know how to fix anything and would like some help. If you have any tips or tricks, feel free to share.
Ultimately, there is no sex without feelings. We are humans. We come to work with feelings. We drive with feelings. We walk with feelings. We go out with feelings. We come home with feelings. We have sex with feelings.
My feeling is that you are looking for the immediate gratification of contact with the object of your affection. You want to be with this person more than a friend and you will take that connection in any way you can.
These conditions do not benefit you. They come at a cost to you by pretending that you are not in love. Ask yourself why you are so willing to sacrifice your true self to be with the person who is receiving your attention so much?
The person who plays this role in your life should want to hear and know what your heart and soul is thinking, feeling and saying. You shouldn’t be ready to bottle all of this beautiful stuff just for sex. It’s a horrible business. You will be very hurt and you deserve so much more.
This person backs off because he knows all about it. She’s not ready to give you what you need emotionally. She may still be trying to figure out who she is and what she wants while you are further down this road. You tell her that you don’t need love. She knows better. We all need love.
You haven’t spoiled anything by telling your truth. You need to get away from this girl and give her a chance to learn and grow while maybe missing you. This will set you free and give you the opportunity to see who else might be the best fit for you right now. The right person wants to be with you mind, body and soul.
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– Louise palanker is co-founder of Premiere radio networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel titled Newspapers, an actor, a filmmaker (click here to see his documentary, Family group: the story of Cowsills), a teacher and a mentor. She also co-hosts the podcast Media journey with Fritz Coleman, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read the previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.