Top 10 Things That Probably Made Me Gay
By: Juztin Bello, editor-in-chief
- “Everytime We Touch” by Cascada
When in college I first heard this Eurotrash 2000 staple, something awake. I did not know that Something would grow up and manifest in a desire to bump into that song at any gay club I could get into many years later. Honestly, the only cheerful thing about this song is the background, but I found listening to this song to be a lot less painful and require less crying (depending on the context.) Besides the song itself, the clip really went wild. the gay in me. With the choppy highlights of singer Natalie Horler and the thieving choreography in the middle of a library, Cascada solidified the gay mantra: going through questionable hair choices, but still grabbing attention.
2. The men’s underwear section of Wal-Mart
You might not think that Wal-Mart would be the birthplace of many gay wake-up calls, because the energy Wal-Mart gives off is the culmination of a room-temperature Monster energy drink, a broken basket wheel, and of a neglected handlebar mustache. But imagine, if you will, a wide-eyed toddler bored with his mind, dragged by his parents on another shopping trip to Wal-Mart. After browsing through the children’s clothing section, they stumble upon the men’s section, moving through the aisles of outdated graphic t-shirts and gruesome walls of camouflage clothing until they reach the Holy Land of the package: men’s underwear section. You thought that kid had wide eyes before? Imagine how wide-eyed they have face to face with shredded dudes in Calvin Kleins and Fruit of the Looms, perfectly eye-level rubbish and abs so close they can taste them. And so, with the awakening of homosexuality, Wal-Mart’s slogan “Always low prices” manifests itself in the gay slogan “Always low morality”.
3. Play as Princess Peach in Mario kart 64
Ah yes, the selection screen of Mario kart 64. I’ll never forget the days I saw this list as a youngster, quickly passing horrid mustaches, a monkey, lizards and a butt plug with eyes, until finally I select her – the mushroom villain herself, Princess Peach. Now play as Peach as Boy has been absolutely met a few teases, but I’ll never forget how fabulous it was to drive as a princess with her vibrant pink dress, gorgeous blonde hair, and a dignified crown atop her head. As a gay, Peach was / is all: men want her so badly that they save and / or kidnap her and she is royalty so you know she has money. Not to mention the fact that she’s literally Princess Toadstool, so she’s the royalty of a bunch of butt plugs walking – princess? No that’s it Queen behaviour.
My favorite fruit growing up has always been bananas; it tasted the best, was easy to acquire, and of course it was shaped like a shlong. OK, it took me a while to find out that the last factor was so important, but subconsciously I guess younger than I knew from the start putting oblong objects in my mouth was movement. Fun fact: Bananas are apparently a mood booster. I can guarantee that whenever a banana object is in my mouth, my mood is absolutely reinforced.
5. Angemon from Digimon
For anyone in need of context, Angemon is a Digimon Angel with long blonde hair, ripped muscles, six wings, a helmet that covers his eyes, a deep and powerful voice, and wears one loincloth. So you tell me that as a young boy I just had to enjoy my Saturday morning cartoons featuring a group of rowdy kids and their digital friends and do not fall in love with the muscular, long-haired, half-naked angel? One of Angemon’s iconic attacks is Angel Rod – and boy, what I would give to be on the end this.
6. My wrists
Admittedly, I am very bad at languages, but there is one that I have mastered from a young age: no, not English, I speak gay sign language. As you grow up gay you learn that being absent and proud can often be a scary / dangerous thing, so alerting gays around you that you are a gay comrade can be tricky. But that’s where the old connectables come in, the subtle but effective signs that you also like to give / take from behind. That’s right – you know it, you love it, you don’t care: the flabby wrist. I will never forget the day my wrists went limp for the first time and Grindr immediately downloaded to my phone on its own. Since then, these bad boys have been silent signs of welcome to the club or to the classroom. Hot tip, if you are at a party and need to look around the room for wedding rings just look at the cuffs – if that cuff is looser than you were the first time you tried watching porn with a woman, you ” I have one.
7. Gay jeans
For years, scientists have tried to crack the code on what makes homosexuals homosexual, even going so far as to assume that there is a “gay gene.” What they should have been looking for is not in the body, it is rather what is happening at the body – not gay genes, but gay jeans. I will never forget buying my first pair of super skinny jeans and feeling like my fashion sense sharp. I thought I was the a. Looking back, my illusion must have been the result of my jeans cutting off circulation to my brain. Plus I guess it was also hard for me to think law having my balls constantly cupped like this.
8. My Motorola Razr
You can’t tell me the drama of ending a phone call and slamming the phone hasn’t manifested the horrible, flaming bitch that I still exude today. Mom is late to choose you college? * SLAP * That straight friend you really want to be close with because you have a crush on you, but don’t realize it’s a crush, but don’t respond? * SLAP * Your pretty friend starts talking about how she likes the guy you don’t know you have a crush on? * SLAP * Motorola Razrs was the bitch slap before the bitch slap was a thing, and I live by that.
9. Any Disney Princess movie
I’m sure a lot of little boys watched The little Mermaid, The Sleeping Beauty, or one of the classics and realized that by performing heroic deeds they could win the girl. But what I learned by watching these movies is that you don’t have to be the heroyou can just do nothing. Why be the only one making every effort to fight a villain or save the princess when you could be saved instead? Why be a secondary character whose only goal is to appear once or twice when you can be the main character? Along with these achievements, there was also the thought that being saved by someone who looked like Shang from Mulan was ideal. Trust I wish he would make him a man me.
10. That a student teacher
Every gay who grows up knows it a student-teacher, the hot one that would rekindle your passion for learning when they temporarily take over from the teacher you hated. As a replacement for your usual boring and stuck teacher, a The student teacher was easy on the eyes and easy to fall for. It only took a few days for me to realize that my increasing efforts in class were nott fair because of my selfish desire to appear smart against my classmates, but rather to impress this hot student teacher. Suffice it to say, imagining him and I together after impressing him has made my brain more than pound during these lessons.